Questions you may have

• It’s not likley to happen all at once – people usually agree to separate, move out and come up with a temporary plan, and then go on to divorce. Each will need their own time to get used to before you can move on.


• It takes longer than you think. You are likely to have quite a few months of not really knowing what the future will look like. This is very stressful, particularly if you have kids. But there’s often no alternative, think about what might help reduce your stress through the process.


• It’s not one process, but three. People think of divorce as ending the marriage, dealing with issues like how to divide the money or property, and sorting arrangements for the children all in one go. But these are three different processes, dealt with separately, but often going on at the same time.


• There are no set rules for working out who gets what. You need to try to agree between you (on your own or with the help of a solicitor) on what happens to the money or the home. But it’s not about who put what in, but about what you both need for the future. If you do go to a court hearing, that is what the court will look at.


• There are no rewards for good behaviour or punishments for bad. How you split your assets isn’t affected by who caused the separation, or who did what hurtful thing.  Whilst ‘past behaviour’ is listed as one of the criteria for deciding how money is divided. It only counts if it has been really, really bad or if someone is trying to hide money and assets.


• You don’t have to go to court.  Few people can afford, financially or emotionally, to fight a long legal battle. If you can come to agreements about children, money and property, it all happens on paper (or online).  Going to court is very much a last resort.

What are the 10 most common divorce mistakes?

1. Not getting a financial order Many people choose to deal with the divorce proceedings themselves, particularly with the online system. However, there is often the misconception that your final order (decree absolute) also severs your financial ties. It does not! If you have reached an agreement relating to the financial aspects of your relationship, or even where there are no finances to divide, you need a financial order to provide you with a clean break and prevent future financial claims from being made. Financial orders can be technical, and you need to get it right, so please make sure they are drafted by a solicitor who specialises in this area of law.

2. Lack of financial planning It is no good saying that you want 40%, 50% or 60% of the assets if you have no idea what this will mean on a practical level. Work with your solicitor and a financial planner so that you know what the percentage equates to in real terms, and plan carefully.

3. Re-marrying before the finances have been resolved You need to be aware that new relationships can complicate ongoing divorce proceedings. If you re-marry without a financial order, then you may lose your right to apply for one.

4. Agreeing to offset capital assets against child maintenance payments It is not uncommon to be asked whether the primary carer could be provided with a lump sum or a higher share of the marital assets, rather than ongoing monthly child maintenance payments. The answer is no. The problem is that you cannot oust the jurisdiction of the child maintenance agency or have a clean break in relation to child maintenance.

5. Discussing the difficulties of divorce, or your ex-partner with the children Whilst your relationship may have ended, you will both remain the children’s parents. Children don’t have the emotional maturity to deal with these complex adult problems and they shouldn’t have to. It is not uncommon for a parent to say that they think it is important that the children know “the truth” about the other parent. This can be deeply damaging and may even backfire. The children need to know that it’s okay for them to have a relationship with both of their parents.

6. Thinking you, or the court can change your ex-partner The court can make orders in respect of a lot of things, but what we can’t do is change the other person. If your ex-partner is unresponsive, difficult and/ or unreasonable then no amount of court orders are going to change them.

7. Taking legal advice on your separation from family or friends Whilst they have good intentions and may have been through a divorce themselves, they were not married to your ex-partner, and they are not going through your divorce. Friends and family are on your side and should be there to provide you with emotional support but the only person you should be taking legal advice from is a qualified lawyer.

8. Believing that your friends are the only people that can see your social media posts Do not post anything on social media, or indeed write anything in a text message/ email, that you wouldn’t want a Judge to see in the future.

9. Going straight in with an application to court The court should be an absolute last resort. Nobody wants a Judge, who doesn’t really know you, your ex-partner or your children, making important life decisions on their behalf. Going to court is emotionally draining, risky and expensive. Before making any court applications make sure you investigate solicitor negotiation, mediation, and arbitration. These methods are likely to not only save you costs but also provide you with far more control.

10. Doing everything yourself Getting divorced can be a complex and technical process. At the very least you should ensure that you get legal advice at the very start so that you are clear on your options and expectations and before reaching any agreement and/or signing any documentation.

Getting divorced or a dissolution legally brings your marriage or civil partnership to an end.  For those people not ready to dive straight into proceedings, it is possible to obtain a judicial separation, whereby you remain married but legally separated, and this can deal with most financial claims. You can also set up a separation agreement, explore the alternatives to divorce or dissolution.  However, if you separate but do not get divorced,  you will remain financially tied to each other and divorce continues to be the most common way of formally separating from a spouse.

Whilst the paperwork to apply for divorce can be completed online, it is not always simple to complete and you need to be aware of the legal implications.

There is often a misunderstanding that the divorce process also resolves any financial issues or potential claims. This is not the case, separate legal steps must be taken to ensure financial protection for the future. A specialist divorce lawyer will be able to advise you on these risks and the best steps to take to protect yourself.

Understandably cost is an issue when instructing a solicitor to handle your divorce. If possible, please do get a solicitor to sense check your divorce petition, and, where possible, take some initial advice on the process and the dos and don’ts based on your specific circumstances. Taking professional advice will ensure that when separating you reach a settlement that meets your needs today, with no unexpected surprises in the future.

An experienced divorce lawyer is key to a successful separation, you need to find someone who you can talk to, trust and who will support you and fight your corner whatever your divorce throws at you.  When you meet your solicitor for the first time, consider whether you feel comfortable talking to them. Are they listening to your needs? Do they put you at ease? Do they empathise with your situation? Do you feel that you can trust the solicitor with all your personal and intimate details?  Check that they are asking the right questions? Have they had experience in dealing with cases like yours? Do they appear confident that they will be able to help you?

Telling your children you are getting divorced or separating is not easy and requires some sensitive handling. This is certainly a conversation there is no script for, however, some planning will go a long way.

• Timing is important Firstly, make sure any decision to separate is final. Changing your mind further down the line may be confusing and upsetting. Pick the right moment (well as close as you can get), when people are relaxed and calm. Avoid bedtime or school drop-off. You need to be able to answer all their questions and have the time to support them. Lots of hugs help.


• Tell them together Any separation is even tougher on children if their parents are not on good terms. Try and sit down to tell them together. By doing so, you are helping them to see that it is a joint decision and that you both care and are still in their lives.


• Keep it simple Young children don’t understand adult relationships. They may not know what separation or divorce means. So, keep your language simple and talk openly and honestly, leaving them out of any conflicts which may arise. Be clear about what will happen practically and changes to day-to-day life for the family. Children need structure and routine to feel safe. Explaining the changes will help prepare them. Many parents make a planner for the wall so the children can easily check when they are seeing each parent.


• Make it clear it’s not their fault Children often think it’s their fault if their parents argue, so take time to reassure them that this is not their fault at all. Explain gently that separation is a difficult decision for adults and that it happens to a lot of families. Telling them it is tough at first but that things will get better, helps them to understand this is not forever; life and the family will move on.


• Don’t play the blame game However tempted you are to put your side of the story across, it will not help the situation. Don’t make it about who has done what. The most important thing is helping them to adjust and show them that you are both still there for them.


• Don’t tell them everything Just what they need to know. In most cases, children don’t need to know the finer details. Hearing about an affair, financial worries, and other arguments will only cause more anxiety.


• Constant reassurance Finally, reassure them. Not just in this conversation but throughout the process. Love,security, safety and clear boundaries throughout the divorce process will help your children to deal with the divorce the best way they can.

This is only intended to be a guide, as of course, every case is different. If there are any safeguarding concerns, you should seek immediate advice specific to your case, as the points set out are unlikely to be appropriate.